.
We have yet to watch Tangled or go to Disney.
Why did they have you take you so suddenly from me? We both were so happy.
No one would lie about something like this. At all.
i dont even know what to say or think
So, I have no idea when you’ll log on and read this, but I do know whenever you do, I’m still going to care about you regardless of the time we haven’t spoken to each other.
I tried calling you this morning to apologize for yesterday. When I kept crying about the one-sided relationship thing. I hope you understand that this breakup is as equally hard on me as it is on you. I’m still confused, and hurt about everything. It just — It just seemed everything was one-sided because you let me go so quickly without hesitation. I don’t want us to breakup, simply for the reason because you make me so terribly happy. Even if you trigger my moods, you also always fix them. It’s a contradiction, I know, but it’s the truth. I realize that this is selfish of me to try and keep you as close as possible for myself when really I should be viewing all aspects of the relationship and what you want as well.
But, the things said in a relationship I take very, very seriously. Everything you said, such as “We’re not going to be breaking up anymore” after we admitted our love for each other, was one of the things. I was, and still am, to work around the whole Halfway House situation alongside you. Never was my intention for myself to become a distraction in the process of you finding a job. I never wanted that to happen. I wanted to be that person who encourages you to find a job, not draw away from them. I’m sorry that I became a distraction, I truly am.
Another thing you always told me is that whenever you’ll come back, and whoever I’m seeing, you’re going to steal me away. You even told Victoria that. Were those just things you say in a relationship to win brownie points? Either way, I believed you.
Jake, I don’t think you really understand and grasp WHY you mean so much to me. It’s not that I want to stay with you to make the months we were together and you were at the house seem worthwhile. It’s nothing like that. Although it was hard on me back then to stay with you, I begged for you back even when you were in the halfway house. You make me so happy. No other guy skanks across the street, or likes Scott Pilgrim, or plays DQ / Pokemon, or talks about serial killers, or makes dumb puns about shit, or steals WITH me, or knows how to spend an entire day downtown without spending a single dollar but still being fed. No guy laughs during sex or starts to talk like you do, or smile so big and tell me my face is red. No guy with talk in his Boston accent to make me swoon over him. Or dip his fingers into water, and run them into his hair. There’s so many things I can say that I like about you. I know that I could do the same with someone else, just list off the things I like about them, but most of the lists will look the same and boring. You, on the otherhand, are something completely different else because you do the weird things I do. We always said we were each other but different sexes. I think that’s true. I think that’s why we could get along and still fight and be okay in the next hour because we both liked each other THAT much to forget about it. No one else does that.
This wasn’t a message from me, begging on my knees for you to get back. If you think that staying broken up will help you find a job and be better off, then so be it. This is a message explaining why I acted the way on the phone when we were talking. People should never get rid of something that makes you so happy that easily. I wish it were that easy, but I’d rather try to show you how I feel with you and about you when we’re together than to move on so quickly. In my head, there is a chance we’re going to be back together. For you to leave the house, you’d need a job. I know that may take months, but I look at the brightside. By the time you get out, I have my own money saved up AND I’ll probably have the car. You, will have your own job and most likely a place with Aaron Gibson. We’d finally both our feet on the path to adulthood and going through the struggles as one. ( I’m not saying that you don’t, but I haven’t yet. ) How is this a brightside to me? It’s because we used to talk about us getting jobs, moving in and living together. That was one of our plans. And look, I’ve got the job, and you’re looking.
I know you said you don’t want to be with anyone, and move back to Boston. Again, for some reason, thing unexplained, I feel that deep down somewhere, everything is going to be okay between us. We were doing so beautifully the last week. I took a deep breath and decided I shouldn’t worry so much anymore, and you began to trust me again. You snuck in after a long night downtown. Everything was Golden the last week, and I really want to continue that gold. It was so much fun, and I had such a wonderful time that I want to relive everything again. I want that all back.
But, that’s all I’ve got to say right now since I’m headed to work. Jake, I love you. Don’t forget that.
And if you have a ounce of doubt in you anywhere that I don’t love you, reread this letter.
